the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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