The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize