o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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