I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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