you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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