do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
