The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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