Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
