yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
