Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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