I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
