i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
