just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
