Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
