i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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