She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
