1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
