You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
