New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
