Pants 0. Shit 1.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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