My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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