And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
