there's paper in my vomit.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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