I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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