please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
