Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
