I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
