I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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