Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
