So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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