You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
