Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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