I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
