"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
