i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
