mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
