I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
