we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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