Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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