Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
