Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
