Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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