I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
