Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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