So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
