peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
