My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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