I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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