happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
