My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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