Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We need to get me chipped asap
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
