we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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