just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
